Year nine was a rough one. If nothing else, it certainly taught me that happily ever after isn’t always happy. Add in some COVID and I mean, you really found out if you loved your spouse and truly enjoyed their presence this year. But, honestly, that wasn’t the rough part for us.
You see, marriage starts off all sunshine and rainbows. Everything is exciting; starting a life together, planning a wedding, buying a house. Together, decisions are made. There is so much time and so many hours to sleep! Want to sleep in until noon on Saturday, you sleep in until noon. Want to get away for the weekend, you pick up and leave. It’s just you two, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want.
Then, someone gets a wild idea to create some tiny humans, and the whole dynamic changes — in a good way of course! Again, exciting and new — a little human that you all created together! Sure, those days of sleeping in are gone, but never would you give up the gummy early morning coos and smiles for sleep anyway. As parents, there’s so much new stuff to learn and watching your babies reach month-to-month milestones is so rewarding.
But, they are a lot of work — well worth it — but a lot of work. Add a second one into the mix, and well, time for anything other than wiping noses and butts, and tending to their every need just becomes about impossible.
Sure, we planned our date nights and weekend getaways when we could as we knew that we wouldn’t always be muddling through the toddler stages. But honestly, just like a stream flows through and cuts at the earth to form a new shape, so does the everyday life of having little ones who needed us every second of every day.
Just making it through each day and week became our focus — making sure we had conquered all that we needed to do so that our girls were taken care of, the house was livable, bills were paid and laundry was at least clean (folding is overrated). Don’t get me wrong, the young kid survival years had so much magic in them. We cheered on joyfully as our kids said their first words, took their first steps, learned their “ABC’s,” figured out how to dress themselves and overcame potty training.
Then, gradually, they started needing us less and less. Even if they still hated the art of sleeping in, they learned how to turn on the TV or grab their tablet on Saturday mornings and even how to pour a mean bowl of cereal for breakfast. All throughout the neighborhood, they made friends that they would rather be playing with than hanging with Mom and Dad. At night, it became prayers, kisses and walking out of the room.
Suddenly, Paul and I found ourselves with more time and sleep than we had had in a long time. Yet, just as gradually as their independence popped up, we found that our marriage had formed a new shape as well. There was nothing new, fresh or exciting — we were still recovering from the keep-your-head-above-water stage. And, like many other couples, we had grown accustomed to the rut we had paved trying to survive.
It’s not like we screamed and yelled at each other — actually, quite the opposite. With all of this newfound time for us, we didn’t know what to do. Stuck in our muddling through ways, we both sort of withdrew from each other. If I am being honest, there were a couple of dark months. Here we had hit what should have been the sweet spot — after toddler years and before teenage years — and yet, we had no idea how to embrace it.
But, we did embrace it.
Ironically, COVID gave us the gift of even more time to dump into us. Once we actually acknowledged where we were in our marriage, the communication floodgates opened. Slowly, we begin to reroute the path of our marriage stream — instead of a day-to-day hustle of reacting to what was thrown at us, we learned to proactively guide our days to better us as a couple.
Oh, it wasn’t easy. In fact it is still a work in progress. But, it is that — still in progress. And there is something amazing about starting over after your kids get a little independent with the man that you married — and falling in love with him all over again.
Happily ever after doesn’t mean that it is going to be happy all the time. What it does mean is never giving up and always working toward that happy-forever after.
Happy Anniversary, Paul, my one true ever after.
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