Q. Halloween is always a problem. I want the kids to be with me and their dad wants them to be with him. I keep trying to tell him that the kids want to trick-or-treat with their friends, not in a neighborhood 30 minutes away, but he says they have friends near him, too. It’s so frustrating! Their dad never listens to me. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Your point is well-taken — the kids probably do want to trick-or-treat with their friends, but are you sure dad does not have a point? Your comment, “he never listens to me” could be his battle cry, as well. Using a good ex-etiquette approach, let’s take a look where there might be a compromise. (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 10)
When there is a holiday like this, the school or the community often has a get-together in the neighborhood that does not fall on Halloween night, but the weekend prior. Would it be possible to assign Halloween to one parent each year while the other parent has the children the Friday or Saturday prior to Halloween (the night on which the festivities fall) so they can attend the community festivities near that parent’s home?
This is the sort of idea collaborative co-parents consider when looking for solutions. They try to be equitable. They try to stay fair, and if they have to give up one evening so that their children’s holiday is not ruined, they make the compensation.
There is another alternative — go trick-or-treating together. Granted, some divorced parents might cringe at the thought of trick-or-treating with their ex — but that ex is also their child’s mother or father, and the child would probably be ecstatic if their parents could put their issues aside and have some fun collecting tricks or treats for an hour or two.
Then the parents must decide in what neighborhood they will trick-or-treat. This is where you stand back, remove your own self-interest and make the decision in the children’s best interest. If both parents truly do that, the decision will be easy because they are putting the children first (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1), not fighting for position or principle.
Here’s another idea straight from my own life. Our bonus family included yours, mine and our kids, and the year my bonus kids were scheduled to be with their mother, she could not get off work and be home before 6:30. We lived in the same neighborhood, so the kids’ dad and I took all the kids trick-or-treating. When my bonus kids’ mom got home, we handed off all the kids to her and she took them trick-or-treating for another hour or so. They then ended up at her best friend’s home for refreshments afterward and we picked up mine and ours kids to go home. Bonus kids stayed with their mom until they returned to our home on the regularly scheduled day. Everyone spent time with everyone. Crisis abated.
There is always a way to compromise if you put the children first. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
