Q. I have lived alone since my husband’s passing six years ago. Over those six years, I have grown very close to my grandson who is now 7. When he sleeps over, he likes to sleep in my bed. I recently met a man who I care for very much and he occasionally sleeps over. My grandson has met him and seems to like him, but he has never slept over when my grandson stays at my home. I’m wondering when that would be appropriate. I worry about my grandson being jealous and I certainly don’t want to create a problem. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I answer this question for grandparents the same way I answer it for parents.
We are all role models for the children in our lives. They form attachments and often compare how they think we feel about them to how they think we feel about others in our lives, so the concern about your grandson’s jealous reaction is a real one, particularly if he occasionally sleeps in your bed.
Sleeping together is a very intimate act and if you tell your grandson no only when your guy stays over, your grandson may automatically believe you like your “friend” more than him — and that could very well promote the jealousy that concerns you. Plus, without the proper preparation, it could put your grandson in direct competition with “your guy” and that could affect his relationship with both “your guy” and with you.
Truth be told, there are ways to guard against your jealousy concern, and it begins with making sure your grandson stays in his own bed when he is with you. If he has a nightmare, for example, and comes into your room, walk him back to his room and calm him there, reinforcing that his room is a safe place. Do this well before your guy starts to stay over. Then your grandson will be less likely to compare.
Now let’s talk about when it is appropriate for people to stay over when your kids or grandkids are present. The concern is not so much if the child will be jealous but what is the child’s perception of permanence.
When a child meets someone new they are primarily concerned how this new person will affect THEIR life. They wonder, “How will MY life change now that this new person is around?” “Can I depend on them?” “Do they make ME feel safe?” If the answer is no to any of these questions, you haven’t properly prepared the child or grandchild for the introduction of someone new, let alone sleeping over.
It will be helpful to set the stage by helping the child distinguish the difference between “your guy” or a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” and “family.” A boyfriend or girlfriend is casual. Move them in and out, and your child or grandchild will learn to not take relationships seriously. “Family” is more permanent. When you, or more importantly, your new person perceives themselves as family, that’s when you have both made the commitment, and you can begin the conversation about sleeping over when a child is present. Hopefully, by then, the child has learned they can also depend on this new person and has accepted them.
If this all sounds too serious and your relationship has not progressed to this point, then take your guy sleeping over when your grandson is around off the table. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
