Q. I have a great boyfriend I love very much. We work together—he’s an executive — and even though we aren’t supposed to be dating, the attraction was just too strong. We have been working together for four months and dating for three. He is such a great guy; I can see myself with him forever.
However, today, when he walked into work, I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring. He had an early Zoom meeting and went directly into his office. When the meeting was over and he came out, we chatted for a while, and I noticed he was no longer wearing the ring. He just told me he loved me last night! Is there any other explanation other than he is married? I can’t think of one. What is good ex-etiquette?
A. Unfortunately, I can’t think of one, either. And the fact that he removed the ring before he spoke to you speaks volumes. So many red flags. You may be too in love right now to see them.
First one, this is calculated, and he is fully aware that he is betraying not just one woman, but two. Consider his character.
Second red flag, he is your superior at work. There are reasons why this kind of relationship may be forbidden at your place of employment. The power imbalance can raise concerns about coercion, such as pressure to stay in the relationship to keep one’s job. Plus, other employees who know about the affair can be concerned about preferential treatment if you advance quickly through the ranks. He also knew this all while “the attraction was so strong.” He is obviously not the man you thought he was.
You asked, what’s good ex-etiquette? The definition of good ex-etiquette is simply “good behavior after divorce or separation,” and I developed the Ten Rules of Good Ex-etiquette to help find answers to our ex-related problems. Your ex, a family member’s ex, a friend’s ex. We all play a part in each other’s lives and it’s common to simply not know what to do when faced in an ex-dilemma. But, that really doesn’t apply here. Your so-called boyfriend is not divorced or separated. It’s just bad behavior all the way around.
There is actually one ex-etiquette rule to consider for situations like this, rule No. 8. Good Ex-etiquette Rule No. 8 reminds us to be honest and straightforward in all our interactions. That means, even if your boyfriend isn’t being honest, that doesn’t mean you can’t be. Don’t model your responses after his bad behavior.
So as much as you love this guy and you want to have a future with him, know that there is no future with someone who is so deceptive — and certainly don’t try to rationalize why it will eventually work out because it is doubtful it ever will. Statistics tell us that the relationships that start out as an affair have a very small chance of even lasting five years.
Here’s something else to consider: What if there are children? If he didn’t tell you about his wife, he certainly is not going tell you about his children. Too many hurt people — starting with you. You may not have even had time to think this through, but just remember to hold yourself in high regard. As much as it hurts now, for everyone concerned, the right thing to do is to end it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
