Q. I often hear, “Set clear boundaries” when co-parenting, but my co-parent just does what he wants and I am left frustrated and angry because he doesn’t listen to me. For example, he’s never on time. The court order says 10 a.m. on Saturdays. He rolls in at 10:30 and I’m sitting at Starbucks for a half hour with a crying 3-year-old. To make my point, I started to be late, too. It made no impact. When I mentioned it, he said, “Well, you’re late sometimes, too!” What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. A boundary is a limit that you set for acceptable behavior. But, if you are wishy-washy, that can be confusing and people don’t know what you expect. That’s where the term “blurry boundaries” comes from. The line drawn gets smudged.
Your example of being late is a perfect illustration. Trying to get back at your co-parent by also being late just reinforced that being late is really of no consequence to you. You blurred the boundary when you, too, were late. By the way, Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rules No. 5 and 6 are, “Don’t be spiteful” and “Don’t hold grudges.” Revenge rarely sets the example you want.
I am often asked how to set a clear boundary. Here are my suggestions:
1. Identify your limits. What do you want? Consider what actions, behaviors, and situations you will accept and what you will not find acceptable.
2. Put boundaries in place as soon as possible. If you wait or drag your feet, you will have to play catch-up. And once a boundary has been breached, it is difficult to be taken seriously.
3. Be consistent. Once you’ve communicated your boundary, stick to it. “Blurry boundaries” just asks your co-parent to push the limits.
So, let’s say there was a boundary in place but a co-parent ignored it. How do you get back on track? It will be helpful to use “I” statements to communicate your feelings.
“I feel (name the emotion) when (describe the action) because (describe why). I would like (name the corrected behavior).”
The following is how putting a boundary into place looks in real life. The example follows the model above, but more importantly, the original boundary was breached and this co-parent is asking that the original boundary be respected.
“I’d like to revisit how we communicate the kids’ schedules. Our previous decision was that there was no need to send each other reminder texts once the kids’ extracurriculars were entered into the co-parenting app calendar. I thought I was clear when we discussed this previously, but I am still getting reminder texts from you, ‘just to make sure.’
“I appreciate that you were previously responsible for getting the kids to their activities and it may be difficult to relinquish that role when they are with me, but I must ask you to respect our original agreement. Our responsibilities have been clearly defined, so in the future, let’s do our best to stick to our the agreement already in place.”
Be direct and stay calm. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
