Q. I think my boyfriend is cheating. We dated for about three months and then he moved in. We’ve been together for about 6 months now. Here’s the problem: A few months ago, he stopped coming home every night. When I ask him where he has been, he says he was drinking with friends and stayed at one of their homes. I think he should call me and I would come get him, but he just ignores the offer. He won’t admit it, but I think he’s staying with his ex because they have a child together. I’ve never met this child. I just know she’s 4 years old. I’m afraid to harp on my suspicions because I think he might leave. Is there an ex-etiquette rule to cover this?
A. Yes, for both of you. Good ex-etiquette rule #8, is “Be honest and straightforward.” It sounds like both of you are not being honest with one another. More importantly, if you are pulling punches and not telling him your suspicions, you are not being honest with yourself. This may not be the right relationship for YOU.
You didn’t tell me how long your boyfriend was single before you started dating, but if it was less than a year, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is reconciliation in the air, especially if he has a child. You and your boyfriend moved pretty fast. There are bound to be surprises when you move in with someone you barely know. That is of great concern and the first red flag.
If he is telling you the truth, however, that’s an even bigger red flag. It means he’s abusing alcohol if he’s getting so drunk on a regular basis that he can’t drive home. Along with that, he’s not telling you where he is, and he’s not letting you pick him up. This behavior is not conducive to building an honest, loving relationship.
Plus, you’ve been together for six months, live together and you’ve never met his child. That could be because the parents are being cautious about introducing new people so soon after their breakup. Or, it could be that they haven’t broken up at all. The key here is that you don’t know any of these answers and that’s the biggest red flag of all.
Here’s my take, good ex-etiquette aside. Ask yourself: If you could design the perfect relationship, would you design the one you have now? Probably not, so what would you change? Are any of these changes within your power? If the answer is no, consider walking away. If the answer is yes, consider if this is really the relationship you want or if you are just afraid he will leave. When you have all the facts, you may realize that is exactly what must be done.
Although no relationship is perfect, I think there’s more going on here than “I think my boyfriend is cheating.” You don’t really know the real motivation for the change in attitude. Find out and make your judgments accordingly. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
