Q. Six months ago, I married a man who shares equal custody of his three children with their mother. I get along great with the kids, and they have often asked me to join them at their recitals, open house and parent teacher conferences. Their dad and I are always careful to tell their mother in advance when I will be attending. It doesn’t matter. She still gets angry and has told us on many occasions that she doesn’t think it appropriate that I attend. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. The first rule to good Ex-Etiquette for Parents is, “Put the children first.” Therefore, my answer will start with the kids’ feelings, but also take mom’s feelings into account. If the kids are asking you, then it’s important to attend.
However, you must do it with some discretion.
It’s difficult to get adjusted to your ex remarrying, and 6 months is not that long. Although you see the kids taking to you in such a short time as a compliment, mom may not feel the same, especially if you are now taking on some of the responsibilities that she has always performed.
For example, even though dad and mom are divorced, mom felt like she had a handle on things because she had to remind dad to have the kids floss before bed. Now that you are around, she no longer has to do that because you are up on their personal hygiene. As insignificant as that sounds, the fact that you are performing that duty could really irritate a newly divorced mom who has always been the primary caregiver.
You could be stepping on toes without even knowing it. If she’s acting touchy or resentful, you may be too good at her job. So, for now, you may want to back off, or at least not be so obvious until she gets used to sharing the kids.
A little more analyzing: You’ve mentioned three drastically different kinds of events — recitals and school functions are understandable — but attending parent conferences sounds like it might be your idea, not the kids’.
If that’s true, be wary of overzealous bonus mom behavior.
I can’t tell you how many mothers complain that the new stepmom is taking over and she resents it. If you want to gain mom’s trust, slow down. If you go too fast or are too pushy, she’ll see you as an interloper, and that will slow down your ability to work together, plus make transitions from house to house tough on the kids. For that reason, recitals and school functions are great ways to support the kids, but until invited, leave the parent teacher conferences to the parents.
Once you and mom’s working relationship improves, she may even ask you to join her at a conference. (My bonuskids’ mom did, but it wasn’t until about three or four years into our journey toward bonusfamily status. Six months? Not likely.) A good solution for now might be to just set up a separate conference for you and dad. Dad may want to attend both conferences.
Finally, best advice I can give you in a few words: Ex-etiquette rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problem solving.” If you put yourself in mom’s shoes, you’d probably slow down. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
