Q. I am my husband’s second wife and we have been happily married for 40 years. My issue is that whenever my husband thinks of a place or a person from the past, he will start by saying: “When we were in Santa Fe, New Mexico…..” So, I ask the obvious question: Who is we? His response is: my ex-wife. For 40 years I have told him that he shouldn’t use the pronoun “we” as he and she are not a “we” anymore. It hurts my feelings. He insists that “we” means “me and someone else” and I’m taking the comment too personally.
To me he is being insensitive to talk about people and places he knew/visited with his ex-wife. He insists that I don’t understand the meaning/usage of the word “we” because I am not a native English speaker. If I were in his shoes, using the same example above, I would say: “When I visited Santa Fe, New Mexico…” He says that’s wrong because he wasn’t there by himself. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. The topic of your email prompted a huge discussion in a woman’s group I oversee. The age demographic is mixed — from 32 to 70 — but I have to tell you, each woman who spoke up agreed with you. They also felt your husband was being insensitive. The fact that he diminished your concern by stating that you were being too sensitive sent a few into a spiral on gaslighting.
Attempting to diminish the importance of how you feel by labeling you as “too sensitive” is not going to smooth over hurt feelings. On the contrary, it makes it worse. Notwithstanding that you have been married for 40 years and that degree of longevity hopefully points to your ability to work through disagreements. But if your husband has approached your feelings in the manner you explained, even if he thinks they are invalid, then above everything else, that’s been a long 40 years — and very poor ex-etiquette.
You see, good ex-etiquette is based on good behavior after divorce or separation. In that context, if your partner feels overlooked or disregarded, for whatever reason, that’s simply not good behavior.
The key to ensuring a long lasting equitable relationship is sensitivity to one another’s needs. Granted, when your husband speaks of his ex, it was a long time ago, but I suspect that doesn’t really matter to you. If you see it as insensitive, and you express it to him as such, it’s not up to him to decide if it is or it is not an appropriate comment. It’s up to him to look for ways to understand why you feel as you do and then together brainstorm for other ways to explain something that neither of you finds hurtful or offensive.
When you are in a marriage for 40 years, your kids have moved out, so putting each other first becomes the priority. That is good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
