Q. My husband and I have been married almost 4 years and I have a 7-year-old bonus daughter. Our morning routine consists of five people (including my son and a new baby) taking showers, eating breakfast, dressing … the normal hectic schedule of most households on a school morning!
This morning my bonus daughter asked if I could dry her hair before she ate breakfast because “that’s how my mommy does it.” Keep in mind I’ve been drying her hair after breakfast for as long as my husband and I have been married because after she showers and dresses, I dry my hair while she eats breakfast. Her mother has not remarried and it’s just the two of them getting ready in the morning. Should I change our routine at our house because it’s done differently at the other home?
A. Most who are attempting to combine families have to admit to hearing the words, “That’s not how we do it at Mom’s (or Dad’s) house,” and will agree that it’s pretty close to hearing fingernails on a chalkboard. And if you have been reading this column and just about anything else I write, you already know that a common thread throughout is consistency from house to house. However, your question is a perfect example that as much as we would like to coordinate efforts from house to house, things may differ based on lifestyle — fewer or more kids, single parent as opposed to living with someone, working or stay-at-home caregivers, etc. All these things play into how one does the little things to start the day and as a result, sometimes they just can’t be the same at both homes.
While you want your bonus daughter to be comfortable, you also want to help her realize that things may differ from house to house. An easy way to explain why you prefer to do it your way is to say exactly what you said to me, “Honey, we have four people getting ready at the same time plus the baby at our house and we have to do it this way to make sure everyone gets out of the house on time.” You could then brainstorm together about other ways to get ready to demonstrate why you have chosen the way you have. You never know, while chatting with her as you do her hair, you might find a different way of getting ready that might actually save more time.
The key here is not to make the child feel badly about doing it differently than her mom does. She loves Mommy and it sounds as if she may be facing allegiance issues each time she identifies with you. So, plead your case based on lifestyle, not whose way is better, and you’ll both raise a child who feels comfortable at both of her homes and is not troubled by the fact that there are differences in approach. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
