Q. My ex and I share custody (a week with each parent) of our 12- and 14-year-old boys. As they get older, they love to watch football with their dad. I think this is great — on his time — but my ex expects me to let them go to give up my time so they can go to his house for Thursday Night Football on my week! Every other week we have this huge blowout and my kids are siding with their dad! What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. This is a great question, and I can tell by the tone of your “voice” this is upsetting, so let’s take a look at what’s really going on.
After a breakup, some parents have a hard time accepting that the other parent has equal rights concerning their children. For this reason, each parent’s time with the children becomes an issue. The possibility that their child might want to spend more time with the other parent seems even more unfair. “I’ve given those boys the best years of my life. I’ve done nothing to deserve this! Their father (or mother) must be badmouthing me.”
Of course, there will be exceptions to the following observation, particularly if the relationship has been strained in the past.
Badmouthing or parental alienation rarely come into play when a child between 12 and 15 asks to spend more time with mom or dad. Of course, it may, but it’s not always the determining factor. Although gender roles seem to be more fluid at this time, the fact remains that many boys at that age seem to gravitate toward dad and many girls that age seem to gravitate toward mom. Of course, it’s not always the case, but it’s something to consider.
Ask yourself this: If you lived with their father would you be upset that all three of them watched Thursday Night Football together? Probably not. It wouldn’t be because they liked dad more, it would be because they liked football and they enjoyed watching it together. In other words, their desire to be with dad while watching football probably has nothing to do with you.
But it will if you prevent it. It will drive home how severed their life has become and it will force them to choose one of their parents over the other.
What do you do? First, try to be flexible and don’t take it personally. Thursday Night Football is seasonal. Discuss this with dad. Put some boundaries around it. “I love that the boys want to spend Thursday nights at your house, but after football season is over, I hope things will go back to the way they were.”
And, if “equal time” is the driving force, not “Put the children first,” (Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 1) in all due respect, it’s time for you to take a look at the approach. Get past “my time” and “his time.” It’s the boys’ time, and when Thursday Night Football is over, consider making some special plans that the boys might enjoy with you. But, more importantly, “put yourself in their shoes.” (Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 7) The back-and-forth life is tough. Do what you can to make it easy on them. You won’t lose out when you put them first. That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
