One morning this week, I yelled at Maylie. We were rushing around trying to get everything ready for school and she started crying because the candy that she thought was hers was actually Reagan’s and Reagan said no she couldn’t have a piece and yeah, I was just over it all. So, I lost it a little bit as I finished doing their hair, throwing on their coats and scurrying them out the door before we missed the bus.
And just like that, she was gone for the day. Heading into a full day of school after a rushed morning where I, her mother and normally biggest cheerleader and attitude improver, had not only yelled at her, but also never even took the time to apologize.
Don’t get me wrong, I still gave her hugs and kisses and reminded her that I loved her, but I literally could not stand the fact that I couldn’t just talk to her for a few seconds. While I know her behavior was over the top, which we could discuss calmly, I really just wanted to tell her that I was sorry that I woke up cranky and lost my patience.
Ugh. Literally all day, my stomach was in knots. Look, it’s not like I have never yelled at her nor is it that I will never yell at her again. It’s just, I know my Maylie and how hard we have been working, especially over this last year on how to choose our attitude and not let one thing make or break our day.
But, I also know that while we have made strides, there was a day just a few short month ago that started off rocky at home and then proceeded into her day causing panic when she couldn’t concentrate on her morning work and just erupted in tears. So, I have been really focusing on a calm, pleasant beginning of the day at home hoping that would get the wheels turning toward positivity throughout the day.
And that day, I failed. All day, I kept thinking about my sweet girl all flustered getting on that bus. How was she going to make it through morning work yet alone the entire day!? In my head, I could see the tears in my little girl’s eyes – the same eyes that I had consoled and rocked to sleep as a baby. Yet, that day, I was partially a cause of those tears.
It broke me – like completely broke me. And, the way my brain works is exhausting. Literally, I went down every worst-case scenario path to the point where I was questioning if I am even doing any part of this parenting thing right or if I was just completely ruining them.
Over and over, I kept checking the time. I needed to talk to her and know that she was OK. In all honesty, I debated emailing the amazing school counselor and asking her to just go check on her for me.
But instead, I ever so impatiently waited – pit in my stomach and all. When I finally got to see my baby girl’s face after work, I watched as a huge smile crept across it and she gave me a big hug. Immediately, I apologized for yelling at her that morning. And do you know what this girl said?
“It’s fine, Mom,” as she shook it off and smiled.
Then, she proceeded to tell me how she had a great day – it went super-fast because she was busy and learning. She went on and on about it. And finally, I felt myself release all the failures that I had built up on myself all day long.
Because just months ago, it would not have been fine. But look at the growth we have made – she has made – in just a short period of time! Sure, we had a bad morning, let’s face it – not every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows. But she knew how to handle it now – she didn’t let a bad start ruin her entire day. She chose her attitude and her outcome for her day. I was seriously so proud of her.
Later that night, I reminded her one more time that I was sorry about the morning. This time she smiled and said, “Mom! Stop apologizing, it is OK!”
Whew, this mom gig is hard sometimes. Always, I am questioning and second guessing all that I am doing – and trust me, I have made many mistakes along the way. But, there’s something so rewarding in the grace and forgiveness that pours out of my girls when that happens.
Maybe, just maybe, I am doing some things right. And with a little more patience and a whole lot more prayers, I think we are going to be just fine.
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