Sometimes, I don’t want a good story. I don’t want to laugh about it one day. I don’t want a good topic for a column. I don’t want that “funny” picture to post on social media about how ridiculous my child was that day.
Sometimes, I just want my kids to be civil human beings who can calmly walk out when it is time to go. Kids who can put on their dance outfits and take a picture. Kids that don’t lose it when I say “no” or “not today” in public.
You see, I don’t want other moms to have to offer to help. Oh, please don’t get me wrong, I am so thankful you mamas are there and so willing to help. But I just don’t want to need the help. And I don’t know how to answer you when you ask what you can do to help because honestly, I do not know what to do.
And I don’t like not knowing what to do. I don’t like having to force my child into her car seat. And I don’t like attempting to bribe my child to do something. And when bribing doesn’t work, I don’t like threatening to take everything away. And I certainly don’t like when the thought crosses my mind that it is almost Monday — so I will get a break soon. And there is nothing worse than the guilt that is felt after thinking that.
I just don’t want to be the mom who can’t control her kids. The mom who has to change her contacts come Monday morning because the weekend tears damaged them beyond cleaning. I don’t want to sit and wonder what I am doing wrong. Why are my kids the only ones acting out? Am I not giving them enough attention? Am I giving them too much attention? Did I take away too much? Did I take away too little? Have I not showered them with hugs, kisses, high fives and love? Is it possible to give them too much of those things?
I just don’t want to feel like such a bad mom at times.
Yes, I know. We have all been there. I get that you also went through this. This is normal. They are only 4 and 2. One day, I will laugh about it. I am too hard on myself. I have heard it all. And I am thankful for the reminders.
But truly, nothing is as lonely as being outside of the doors of the auditorium — just you and your kid — because no other kid was as awful. Nothing is as deafening as watching all the other children follow directions and cooperate, but not yours. Nothing is as frustrating as dragging your child out while she kicks and screams the entire way.
It’s hard. Sure, per the other moms, their kids threw fits too. But certainly not as bad as mine is right now! Because in that moment, it’s the worst public tantrum there has ever been.
Look, I don’t want to wish this season of life away. Their ages are extraordinary with their curiosity, goofiness and love. Many moments are spent laughing, exploring and uncovering treasures — both of tangible toys and imaginative adventures. There are times when I want to freeze the moment and put it into a snow globe so I can shake it and replay it whenever I start to forget how awesome having a 2 and 4 year old is.
I hope I remember those parts the most and not the all-eyes-on-me-tantrums. Because, as all the moms have told me, mine included, this too shall pass. Soon enough, my kid will have no problem doing what she’s told. And I am sure I will watch as another mom struggles to hold back her tears while she attempts to get her disobedient child to listen.
And she will look around and see no other kids freaking out. She will feel alone. She will feel like she is failing as a mother and like the entire world is witnessing it.
And I will ask her what I can do to help. And even though I will secretly be high-fiving myself that it is finally not my child, I will tell her we have all been there. I will make sure she knows that she will laugh at this one day. Because truly, there isn’t much more else to say.
No, I don’t want to be dealing with tantrums and feelings of self-doubt as a mom. But this is where we are at right now. Thankfully, I am surrounded by moms — friends, acquaintances, random parking lot encouragers — to get me through.
And, if nothing else, I guess it does make for a pretty good story.
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