Once the baths and bedtime are done, clothes laid out, dishes cleaned and prayers have been said, it is finally time to close my eyes. That should be a mommy’s favorite time. Instead, I find myself evaluating myself as a mom that day.
It is then that the mommy guilt sets in.
One night recently was awful. As we do weekly, we were visiting my mother in law, Marge, for dinner and we decided to take the girls on a walk. This night, Maylie decided she wanted to walk and not ride — which was fine. She is 4 and its probably time to retire her from sitting in the stroller anyway. We weren’t but 20 feet down the road when she wanted back in. Ten more feet, she wanted back out. Then Reagan wanted out and they both wanted back in, and back out again. You can imagine the pace we were keeping at that point, so I decided that they both needed to stay in the stroller for the remainder of the walk.
By Maylie’s reaction, you would have thought I took away her air to breathe. In fact, she snatched up her cup and threatened to throw it. I advised her if she did, it would be gone and she would not get it back.
She threw the cup.
Dang it. This is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me. I don’t want to keep the cup from her. But I had warned her, and I had to stick to my guns. She went from upset about riding in the stroller to distraught about her cup.
She screamed and cried and threw a fit. This wasn’t typical Maylie (at least since she outgrew those awful 3s), but I couldn’t allow it to be acceptable. So we kept walking.
Marge lives in a quiet little neighborhood along a golf course. Neighbors, walkers, front porch sitters and, unfortunately, golfers were all witnesses to my 4 year old’s cries (sorry golfers!). I knew I had the power to end her tantrum. I could just simply return the cup. Most likely she would have forgotten about having to stay in the stroller, and we would have been able to finish our walk in peace.
Every ounce of me wanted to just give her back the cup. Heck, I’m sure that Marge, the neighbors and the golfers were rooting for that as well. But it was no longer was about the cup.
You see, she, too, had the power to end it all. I’m not ignorant. I realize she is 4 and needed some guidance. So I was giving her tips along the way. I advised that she wouldn’t get the cup back acting that way. I encouraged her to calm down and we could discuss the cup. But she was already at a point of no return.
She cried the rest of our shortened walk. When we got back, she attempted to get on MawMaw’s tablet which I informed her was not going to happen with the way she just acted. Another end-of-the-world tantrum ensued. It didn’t end there, as she wasn’t listening to Dad before bed — and he put her to bed early.
When I went in to put Reagan to bed, I crawled in bed with Maylie and squeezed her tightly in a hug. I told her I did not like the way she acted that night but that I loved her so very much and there was nothing she could ever do in this world to make me stop.
It was a terrible evening for Maylie, and it was an awful night for me. Keeping things from my kids hurts me just as bad as it does them — maybe worse. But my main goal in life is to make sure my girls are decent human beings. As I told her before she closed her eyes, tomorrow is a new day and we will start over. She apologized and promised to never act that way again.
But I know at times she will, and that’s OK. She is young and learning, and quite honestly so am I. There were probably a million different ways I could have handled that better according to the parenting books out there. But I’m doing my best — which is all I know how to do.
Some nights, like that night, the mom guilt wins. But many nights, lessons are learned and we all win. It’s just that, at the end of every day, all I ever want is to give my children the world. But I am more than aware that I have to make sure that they are prepared for it.
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