First Posted: 2/13/2015
A certain movie being released this week has inspired me to write a script of my own.
Call it Fifty Shades of Scarlet and Gray:
Sparks fly when Ana, a beautiful but innocent college student, meets Christian, a 27-year-old billionaire and obsessive Ohio State fan.
Christian, a control freak, won’t allow the relationship to get physical, though, unless Ana signs a contract agreeing to certain conditions.
Confused, Ana seeks the advice of her worldly friend Kate.
“What kind of conditions?” Kate asks.
“For foreplay, I have to simulate an Ohio Stadium pregame show — with marching band and public-address announcer and everything. Is that, like, normal?”
“Only for an OSU fan,” Kate says. “Do you need help finding sousaphone players?”
Ana is athletic and sports-minded, but she finds Christian’s football fixation difficult to fathom: He wants her to whisper the entire 1968 OSU roster in his ear; he demands that she tape her ankles; he wants her to enter his shower that sprays Gatorade instead of water.
Finally, he confesses that he had a troubled childhood: The John Cooper-era failures against Michigan, the ‘98 Michigan State upset and the long championship drought all convinced him that he hadn’t rooted hard enough for his team.
He vowed then to incorporate OSU football into every aspect of his life.
When she tries to soothe him by stroking his hair, Ana is flagged for illegal use of hands. (Christian likes to take a Big Ten officiating crew on dates.)
Ana again seeks Kate’s counsel.
“I think he’s into domination,” Ana says.
“Why?”
“He asked me to sell unlicensed apparel on a street corner because he thought it would be sexy to slap me with a lawsuit.”
“Wow, that is kinky.”
Christian continues to woo Ana: He plants her a grove of buckeye trees. He gives her a puppy named Urban. When she pleases him, he pastes Buckeye leaves on her head.
But the night he asks her to scrimmage in the bedroom proves to be the breaking point.
“He insisted we both wear full pads,” a disgusted Ana later tells Kate. “And then he ordered me to get into a three-point stance so he could bull-rush me, like Joey Bosa putting pressure on Oregon.”
“Did you use your safe word to stop him?” Kate asks.
“No, I pancaked the little creep into the carpet. He might be rich and obsessed with the Buckeyes, but he doesn’t know a thing about playing football.”
“That pretty much describes everyone in a luxury box at Ohio Stadium, honey. Just sayin’.”
