First Posted: 3/23/2015
Apple will unveil a watch.
Apple has plans for a streaming TV service.
Apple wants to build a car.
The steady barrage of Apple news demonstrates just how good the company is at making the media hyperventilate on command.
Nevertheless, I have to admire Apple’s ambition.
It’s obvious that Apple intends to venture far beyond computers, phones and even watches in the near future.
But how far? I have some predictions about future Apple products:
Apple Orange
Apple’s long-rumored entry into the food business finally becomes reality.
After years of research and development, company engineers unveil a consumer-friendly orange that sheds its peel with the swipe of a finger and automatically divides itself into bite-size sections.
To emphasize its distinctiveness, the product comes in five colors – none of them orange.
The media swoon, but the company finds that consumers are somewhat resistant to paying $138 for a piece of fruit, even if it does come with a 12-month limited warranty.
iRS
The federal government turns over its least popular agency to Apple for a makeover.
The company rounds off the corners of 1040 forms; dresses all the employees in blue shirts; and opens glassy, uncluttered iRS storefronts in malls nationwide.
In the back of each is a Genius Bar that is Applelike in all ways but one: When taxpayers go there for technical support, they learn that not even the geniuses understand the tax code.
‘Johnny Appleseed’
Apple branches into the movie business with a feature-length film that reimagines an early American folk hero.
In the movie, Johnny Appleseed roams frontier Ohio spreading the word that the iPhone will be released in 214 years. Some settlers shrug and go back to plowing, but others immediately form long lines at the future sites of Apple stores.
Apple Sauce
After conquering home entertainment with Apple TV and movies, the company branches into the next logical area: refreshments.
Apple Sauce is an alcoholic beverage that produces no hangover, although it does make imbibers toxically smug when a Windows computer crashes.
Apple-iances
Apple gets into home products with a line of washers, dryers and kitchen equipment that mimic the sleek look of the MacBook Air.
Critics praise the elegant designs and sophisticated electronics.
But Apple quickly learns there is a limited market for a refrigerator 36 inches wide and a half-inch deep.
