For now, I am just going to sit here in this stillness – the calm of motherhood – of life – that I never imagined I could ever find – and allow myself to feel just that.
I really do not have anything to write about this week – which is kind of funny, since I pretty much never stop talking. You would think I could just throw all those words down on paper and call it my story for the week.
But it is almost weird, life is just kind of calm right now. I mean, you know, in the midst of being a full-time working Mama trying to manage all of the fall activities coming up, tons of kiddos, sports, tutoring, dinner, homework – the usual. But it is calm.
Like the waves of chaos and crazy have settled into the bed of the bank and it’s just a peaceful lull of life right now. This doesn’t happen much – where I can just sit and breathe. It’s a peculiar feeling – and one that I don’t usually allow myself to settle in to.
Typically, if life seems this untroubled, I am either completely and utterly forgetting about something or I talk myself out of enjoying the moment for fear of it passing by. How dumb does that sound? Even writing it made me cringe a little.
But that is what I normally do when life seems peaceful, I think of what could possibly happen to mess it up. It is like I am literally willing stress and chaos back in – almost like I don’t deserve the tranquility — that it is certain to pass rapidly anyway. And if it needs a little help getting on its way, my brain usually can think of about 100 things to scoot it along.
And yet, oddly enough, I don’t feel like that right now. It is as if, for the first time in, well, as long as I can remember, I am actually allowing myself to sit in the calm and happy.
There is nothing that I need to jump up and fret about – my relationship with God is strong and steady, my marriage is flourishing, and my babies are safe and loved. There are no chores that are in such dire need that I must do immediately, nor are there any so overwhelming that I can’t begin them. Work is still a learning process and new – but stable, my parents and sisters are well, and we have a lot of fun plans ahead these next coming weeks.
I don’t feel a need to run and hide from anything – and, furthermore, I feel like the walls surrounding my life are built up strong enough that they can stand any storm that may pop up ahead.
And, for once, I am not even letting myself look at what potential storm could even come. Because I finally trust myself enough to not be the cause of it – and I trust God enough to know that He can help me make it through anything.
Oh, I know there will be storms – I am not naive enough to think that life from here on out will be a cake walk. I am just not in a spot anymore to let the thought of what could come take over my present mindset. After all, like Matthew wrote, each day has enough worry of its own.
I am not sure that I will ever get used to this feeling of calmness – or that it will ever feel actually normal. But I do know this, I put in a lot of inward work on myself to get here. For years and years, I tried to change and control everything around me. All around me, I thought I could make things better – and then I would feel real peace.
But – all around me – that’s not where the real transformation took place. It wasn’t until I stopped and looked IN me, that I was able to make the changes necessary — inside of me – to allow myself to be content with not only where I am at in life, but most importantly, who I am.
I am a God-loving mother, wife, daughter, sister, coworker and friend (who apparently can sit down with nothing to write about and knock out a few hundred words. Ha). I am happy – not only because I choose to be – but because I have finally allowed myself to be. I am unworthy of God’s grace – but He calls me worthy. And I finally believe it.
Don’t worry, I am sure that just about as soon as I close my computer, some crazy chaos will ensue between these kiddos, and I will be back to writing about all the wacky adventures of parenting next week. But for now, I am just going to sit here in this stillness – the calm of motherhood – of life – that I never imagined I could ever find – and allow myself to feel just that.
Sarah (Pitson) Shrader was born and raised in Lima. She is a Lima Central Catholic and Tiffin University graduate. Sarah is a full-time working mama who enjoys writing about her somewhat crazy, always adventurous life as a mom and bonus mom. She lives in Bath Township with her husband, Lee Parsons, and their seven kids.
