Q. My ex and I have been separated for 6 months. Yesterday my ex refused to drop our kids off at my home because my girlfriend’s car was in the driveway. I think she thinks my girlfriend and I were seeing each other prior to our breakup, but we were not. She was a co-worker and that is against company policy. I was recently transferred to another location, which enabled us to explore the possibilities and we are moving in together very soon. When my ex got home, she texted me that she was taking me back to court to have our court order changed because she refuses to drop the kids off “under the circumstances.” This is ridiculous! Everyone meets someone new after a breakup. I have no idea why my ex is acting in such an irrational manner. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Well, let’s employ Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7, “Use empathy when problem solving,” to see if we can figure out why your co-parent is acting so “irrational.” This rule asks you to put yourself in your co-parent’s shoes. Try them on for size, so to speak. So, here we go. I’m speculating, but here’s an educated guess.
Even though you deny that you were having an affair prior to your breakup, you said your co-parent believes you were. You did not mention the reason you feel you broke up, yet a short time after your breakup you are moving in with your co-worker. You may not have slept together prior, but if your ex is like most, she’s probably resentful that you let your interest in someone else blossom into something so strong that she believes it prompted a breakup.
So even though you did not consummate the relationship, your ex doesn’t care. Emotional affairs are still affairs, and the feelings can be just as strong as a physical affair. As a result, she probably feels betrayed, and seeing your girlfriend’s car in the driveway was a trigger for how rejected she feels. The situation infuriates her and that’s why she is reacting as she is.
What I find surprising is why you have no idea why your ex is acting this way. If you put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you might feel under the same circumstances, you will get your answer.
So, here’s more good ex-etiquette help. No one is “putting the children first.” (Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1.) Not you, by moving in with someone else so quickly, and not mom for not looking for what is the easiest way to exchange the kids.
Yes, most do move on to someone new after a breakup, but if there are kids in the mix, you must take their emotional well-being into consideration. Six months ago, you were living and sleeping with their mother. Now you are considering living and sleeping with someone who is a stranger to them. Mom just doesn’t want to cooperate.
I know nothing about your marriage or even if you were married, but I am suggesting you stand back and look at what your choices are asking your kids to process in such a short amount of time. How you handle this will affect them for the rest of their lives. For everyone’s sake, slow down! That’s good ex-etiquette.
Dr. Jann Blackstone is the author of “Ex-etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation,” and the founder of Bonus Families, www.bonusfamilies.com.
