Q. My ex and I had an amicable split. After a year or so, we put together a parenting plan that worked, but we left off Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. That means our son may be scheduled to spend Father’s Day with me and visa versa. It doesn’t happen all the time, but this year, it did. In the interest of “good ex-etiquette” I offered to take our son to his father’s home (which is 30 minutes away) early Sunday so they could spend the day together. There was traffic. I texted I would be 10 minutes late. When I arrived, my ex yelled at the top of his lungs, “Get in this car! It’s my time now!” My son was in shock and started to cry and as they pulled away I could his father yelling at him for being late. I’m at a loss. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. We are dealing with more than an ex-etiquette problem if the exchange happened exactly as you report, particularly if your breakup was amicable. That means your ex is capable of being reasonable, but he wasn’t in this case, so there is probably a backstory for his reaction. And, of course, yelling at your son was completely inappropriate. It makes him responsible for your mistake and will teach him to run defense to prevent arguments between the two people he loves the most.
Since I only know what you have told me, I will speculate. Let’s see if we can formulate a plan to prevent this in the future.
The most obvious explanation is he didn’t pick up the text. I hear this all the time. Someone is driving, talks the text and forgets to send it. Someone doesn’t check their text messages and doesn’t receive it and all hell breaks loose because the one thing that drives exes crazy is being late for an exchange.
Here’s the problem: Your child doesn’t care about any of that. He’s the one who must go back and forth and feel his parents bristle when they speak to each other. Most kids I talk to tell me they hate exchanges because “their parents are so mean.” When I’ve called this to parents’ attention, the response is often, “I yelled at his mom/dad one time. He’ll get over it.” If it really was only one time, that may be true, but it’s doubtful it was. And that anger will eventually translate into, “I don’t want to go.” That’s when the angry parent thinks their co-parent obviously badmouths them. Otherwise, why wouldn’t their child want to see them? Sometimes both parents are angry. Then a child has nowhere to go but inward. And they will, if parents who share custody don’t get a grip.
What do you do?
First, if this sounds like you, address YOUR anger. It is not only affecting you, but your child — and it will eventually backfire. Anger management, counseling, 12-step program, do whatever it takes.
Second, this is going to sound way too easy, and you will probably think I’m not getting the big picture, but I do. Examine how you currently problem-solve. If you don’t have a plan in place to address situations like this, put your heads together and make one. Follow your own plan. For example, agree to call, not text. Whatever suits your situation.
If you and dad had a different kind of relationship, one that put your child first (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule #1), let’s examine that approach.
You’re late. You call. Your son is listening to the exchange. “Hi. Happy Father’s Day. There’s traffic and it’s slowing us down. Looks like we’re going to be 10 minutes late. I’m so sorry. I know how much you want to see Brian.” He says, “I’ve been waiting for a few minutes, but thank you for letting me know.” No editorializing. No blame. No fault. Sound ridiculously simple? That’s the point. That’s good ex-etiquette.
