When it was finally decided that my marriage was over, one of the worst parts was sitting alone with God knowing that I had let Him down. I’d broken a covenant made before Him. Feeling all the shame, I clearly remember how hard it was to even turn to Him in prayer.
Yet still I did. After all, that is what I had learned to do, turn all things over to God. There were moments through it all when I honestly wasn’t sure that I could make it through the next five minutes, and I simply asked Him to get me through those five minutes. And when those five minutes passed, I asked Him to get me through the next five.
One night in particular, as my babies were fast asleep and I was alone on my couch questioning my future and the future of my girls, I actually started talking out loud between tears trying to collect my thoughts. I remember asking — to myself but also to God — what I was going to do, how I was going to make it through this and what the next steps looked like for the girls and me.
In those moments, I was overcome with the fear of being alone — not a fear of not being in a relationship, but a fear of trying to navigate life, my future and my daughters’ futures, all by myself. The quiet of the house was closing in on me as I felt myself panic at the thought of trying to handle it all alone.
And then, in the middle of the fear and panic, out of nowhere came tingles around my shoulders and down my arms. Truly, it felt like I was being enveloped in the most comforting hug as calmness swept through my body, and I realized that I didn’t have to do any of it alone. God would be with me through all of it.
That unforgettable hug carried me through many of the days early on, yet I still continued to struggle with the guilt of letting God down. When I went to church on Sundays, I made myself feel like I didn’t belong, like I was unwanted in such a place since my marriage failed.
This went on for months, but I continued going. After all, I knew that I was not going through this journey alone. Heck, maybe I even deserved the guilt I was carrying for not making my marriage work.
Then, one Sunday, the pastor decided to preach about relationships. Ugh. As soon as he started, I thought, here we go: Here is my unwelcome ticket. I may as well just check out now.
However, I didn’t. Instead, I listened to this man talk about dating, engagements, marriage, crying through all of it. I figured he would stop there. After all, I had always been taught in the church that divorce was not an option. You just cannot do it.
But, that day, the pastor didn’t stop at marriage. For the first time in my religious life, he went on to talk about divorce. Did he encourage it? Absolutely not. Did he acknowledge that it was a sin? Absolutely. But he went on to say that we all have our fair share of sins that we commit. Who is to say that one is worse than another?
And then he asked if divorce meant that we could not go to heaven. From the time he asked the question to when he answered it was probably less than a second or two, but it felt like hours that I sat there with my breath held waiting on my fate. When he finally said absolutely not, I could feel the huge sigh of relief as air finally cleared from my chest.
But it wasn’t just air that cleared, it was this weight that I had been carrying around, fearing that I had let God down so much that I would lose my chance at eternal life with Him. It was like I could finally breathe again for the first time in months.
Yes, I sinned. But God knew I would sin, that all of us would sin. That is why He sent His one and only Son to die for us – to take all of our repented sins with Him to hang on that cross with Him.
As we celebrate Easter this year, I have a refreshed understanding and appreciation of the sacrifice given for me. First hand, I have experienced the love and forgiveness that went into a man dying on the cross to save us all.
And I am ever so thankful that, over and over again — and especially in the last 15 months, God has certainly saved me.
Happy Easter, everyone. He is risen!
.neFileBlock {
margin-bottom: 20px;
}
.neFileBlock p {
margin: 0px 0px 0px 0px;
}
.neFileBlock .neFile {
border-bottom: 1px dotted #aaa;
padding-bottom: 5px;
padding-top: 10px;
}
.neFileBlock .neCaption {
font-size: 85%;
}
