Every year around this time Queen Oprah releases her carefully curated list of “favorite things” and they’re always mostly wonderful. I say “mostly” because there’s no reason to spend more than $100 on lotion when Nivea’s just as good, am I right? (Ditto this year’s hilarious $106 bamboo sweat pants, although they did look stretchy enough for a panda.)
While the endorsing of “favorite things” is great if you’re a world-famous celebrity, I thought it would be more realistic for me, a lowly former N.C. Pecan Harvest Festival Queen, to offer my own list of “least favorite things.” Here’s my carelessly curated list of things I don’t like and you shouldn’t buy. Unless you really want to. It’s a free country. For now.
•Kate Hudson’s Fabletics exercise wear. Those subscription only (do what??) leggings and capris may be comfortable but I’ve seen better looking patterns on the “misfit toys of clothing” end cap at CVS. And you have, too, but you don’t want to admit it.
•Home-delivered meal prep kits. Don’t get your blue apron strings in a twist but I think this is a weird gift. Do you really not have salt in your kitchen? And purple potatoes aren’t a big deal anymore.
•Salt lamps. Yes, they just won’t go away and this year they’re even larger. How large, you ask? Cows will break into your home and try to lick them. Does the lamp possess magical curative powers or is it just a cool glowing door stop? You be the judge. I’ll pass.
•Drones. Weird, intrusive hovering gizmos that might make you feel like a double-naught spy (ask your parents) but have a certain ick factor.
•Shower Wow, an LED shower head that makes your morning shower look like a rainbow. In the words of my late daddy, “Is there a whole lotta call for that?” The box claims it’s “fun for the whole family.” Ewwww. I hope not at the same time.
•The Air Fryer. It fries chicken with circulated hot air and it costs $160. I understand that frying can be messy but I can’t imagine how all that re-circulated hot air would produce a tasty bird. If that were true, they’d be butt deep in crispy thighs and drumsticks in the halls of Congress every day! That said, I might endorse a turkey sized air fryer so Buford can’t get liquored up and blow his fingers off at Thanksgiving. Again.
•Those mermaid blankets. I really wanted to like this product because I thought it could replace my beloved Snuggi from four Christmases ago. I tried one since they are everywhere this year. Getting in was easy and cozy. After a couple of hours of watching PBS documentaries (kidding!) I had a tough time getting out and ended up jumping like I was in a sack race to shake it off. I love me some Ariel but this “thingamabob” induced a whale of a panic attack.
Celia Rivenbark is the best-selling author of seven humor collections. Visit her website at www.celiarivenbark.com.